starving musician

i've been living super broke recently (the last 2 weeks), and in constant stress because theres no food available (other than pasta) and i have bills to pay off that i can't afford. i also can't afford food when i'm at school. my osap appointment is friday which means i'll probably receive it next week (when my bills are overdue). some of my friends have provided me with meals, and of course i'm going to return the favour, but i feel really bad about it. here's the good news though: Mike and i took back all the empty bottles from my house which generated 99 dollars (may i also mention that out of all the empty bottles maybe 5 bottles were mine because i stopped drinking shortly after our first party?). my roommates and i agreed that we're gonna send it off to Haiti's relief fund. it'll be charged on my credit card, which i don't have to pay for a month, and i'll have my osap by then, which means i now have 99 dollars in cash until my osap comes next week (which is way more than i need). im super stoked about this because it means i can eat! can i get a hell yah? (hell yah!)

so now i am able to sustain my living but i can't help but think of these lyrics by mewithoutYou: "But now I spend my days in ever-increasingly complicated ways, Convincing myself of the rightness of each word I say. "

i won't get into it but i've always feared going to post-secondary school. i knew that there was a lot of money and debt involved and i'm very confident that money is a dangerous and evil thing. although i absolutely love being in school right now and i absolutely love music i would rather drift and live from the trashcan than bother with any of this. school is expensive, stationary living is expensive, and acquiring recording gear and music gear for school is especially expensive and continues to put me on the path of the world's patterns which i also find a little dangerous and naive. (and by the world's patterns i'm saying going to school, getting a job, having a house in the suburbs with a wife and kids, etc. this isn't all that bad but i think theres better things i can do with my life... i won't get into this right now though).

currently, my life is revolving around school, music and money. indeed when i get my osap im probably going to indulge in some more music gear including a new computer (so i can actually record music unlike this piece of crap computer im using right now). debt debt debt. it all worries me a bit. ever-increasingly complicated. don't get me wrong, ive been a starving musician the last two weeks and im really excited i have a little bit of cash in my pocket to eat now, and im stoked when i get new gear, and most things i buy thats music-related furthers my understanding in what we learn in school. but i think i could live more simply. no matter how hard i try to justify righteousness or logic in where my money goes, i still think in the back of my head i don't need any of this.