i just cried for the first time in a while. on a side note, it felt really, really good to cry and i wish i could have dwelled in the moment a little longer to enjoy the rare strange sensation of crying but instead i chose to move on.
i went to a little thing called Presence (presencelondon.com), which happens every sunday morning at downtown london's "the arts project" on dundas. a very humble community that i don't often attend as much as i'd like (i've been busy most sundays, and also played percussion at a church in north london for a while). the discussion was about theories of just war and pacifism and if violence is ever justifiable. obviously a lot was said but admittedly my mind was sort of elsewhere. at the end of it, communion was offered to those who wished to participate. as the bread and wine came around to me, i gently refused it, and let it pass me. i didn't really think much about it for about 15 seconds and then all of a sudden i just thought "shit.." and i broke down and cried for a good 10 minutes.
in very recent times (say, november?) i decided i wanted to reflect jesus' teachings in my life but i could not accept christianity as a religion or as an absolute truth. its a completely different story altogether and i still dont have it all figured out at the time (maybe no one does). anyway, ever since i came to this decision i have never been offered communion until today, and i just frickin' just broke down, real hard. it felt like that by rejecting communion i was rejecting god. that i could not be one with god or unified with the body of christ. well long story short , god's existence is my deepest held belief but i know i cannot prove or disprove his existence. to say god exists (christianity) or that god doesn't exist (atheism) i think is equally naive. but man, jesus' teachings are incredible. woe to you who are rich, blessed are the poor, blessed are the meek and poor in spirit. the first will be last, and the last will be first. this is why i still value the way of christ.
i'm getting sidetracked again. after presence i went to starbucks (i should research to see if they are ethical yet) with some friends (and now new friends) and i kind of presented my thoughts and also thoroughly apologized for being a downer. what is the tradition of communion? to some its literal, to some its a reminder. for me it is symbolic of having christ in your soul. i cried because i felt like i was saying "god if you exist i dont want you in my soul i dont accept you as my saviour and my past with you has been sort of meaningless." really what i'd like to say is "god if you exist, i want to follow your way, i ask for your forgiveness for being such a shitwreck." of course, if there is a god, he knows that already. a lot more was going on in my head but i just don't feel like typing about it anymore right now.
we discussed about intentional community which i believe is a beautiful idea and something i wish to pursue in the future. love is so powerful. we also watched a philosophical documentary at Museum London called Examined Life. tons of great stuff to add to my already burnt out mind. but really, it was great. a discussion on wealth, consumption, individualism, and i guess just exactly what the title is. examining life and thinking consciously. "if you're thinking, you're winning"
on another side note, i went to a party last night that i actually enjoyed. london parties suck so hard. theres so much ego. i miss being in packed houses every single weekend with bands playing with rage levels off the charts. i didn't realize that i've pretty much been bathed in gold for the last few years in 905 in terms of parties. anyway, last night was great. the atmosphere of people wanting to get to know each other and have fun is such a relief when compared to all the egoists and narrow-minded douchebags i find littered around college. okay, forget that, i'm probably more narrow-minded and regretfully full of pride than most people i know but i think its an accurate generalization of what i've experienced so far in the college scene.
this is a long blog post, i don't know anyone who would have the patience to read any of this.
currently i'm off to my classmates house to watch a dvd of Pelican (myspace.com/pelican), a band i highly recommend if you like heavy instrumentals.
ever since attending ywam i started to question the bible, and in late fall of 2009, i verbally admitted it to friends making it more real in my mind. it's terrifying to me.
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