bi-polar

i'm either bi-polar, or my mood reflects the weather. today has been the best day in weeks.

ups and downs

i like to do things for others when i can. i shovel both my neighbour's driveways and i don't tell them. i try to share knowledge with others. i make errands for people if i have the time. i clean up after my roommates (oh god.). but recently i haven't given a crap about anything or anyone but me. its selfish i know, but i haven't had any "me" time in a long long time and i think its definitely kosher for me to ignore everyone for a little bit so i can indulge in my own desires and thoughts.. at least until i catch up on things. i've been super unresponsive and antisocial lately. i'll refrain from going on about "the things i have to deal with" or whatever because no one ever wants to hear about that. the long story short is i'm NOT doing well but i think i'll be okay so leave me be, okay?

so lets hear something positive!

the weather has been great. its even been dry enough to take a bike ride! personally i don't know many better states of joy than when i am biking by myself in good weather listening to music. i recently picked up the new Silver Mt Zion album (and its frickin amazing). ive started doing yoga again, and i started exercising and drinking water regularly. today i finally got the house cleaned up from the party we had here last friday (in which i had a very enjoyable time). i finished mixing for my friend's black metal band. i have food in my stomach and i swear i had a regular sleep last night.. i have been productive in every way OTHER THAN reading and schoolwork and im okay with that for now.

in fact, as much as i love school, i don't want any part of it right now. itd be nice to have a break. ive been thinking a lot about how i miss the summer. i had a great summer. moving, new friends, warm weather, bikes, tallbikes, music, home tattoos, an empty house, dumpsterdiving, victoria park, shows, random bands and strangers sleeping at my house, not showering for 28 days, hitchhiking, protesting, making forts, short-term love, walking, maple beans with molasses, church, rooftops, starting fresh, friends, friends, friends, i miss it so much. it was also the best my health had ever been which is strange because i had really bad habits.

i apologize this blog post is close to meaningless. all i really want to say is i'm down and especially introverted and i want to be free again.

hot dog

Q: "What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?"

A: "Make me one with everything."

i'll keep this one short.

i'm just starting to read a book called Sit Down and Shut Up. its some sort of commentary on buddhism and zen and stuff by some punk rocker by the name of Brad Warner. its a sequel to the book Hardcore Zen (which i must admit i never bothered to read). i must say i'm a little embarrassed by my lack of knowledge of buddhist theology but from what I do collect and understand there are some very logical and beautiful philosophies associated with buddhism that i have deep respect for and would like to learn more about. theres one thing in particular that i read today where the author quotes buddha himself that i totally dug...

"Do not go upon what has been acquired by repeated hearing; nor upon tradition, nor upon rumour; nor upon what is in a scripture. But when you yourself know: 'These things are good; these things are not blamable; these things are praised by the wise; undertaken and observed, these things lead to benefit and happiness,' enter on and abide in them."

something like that. on another note, the new meshuggah dvd comes out in the morning and im freakin' stoked.