starving musician

i've been living super broke recently (the last 2 weeks), and in constant stress because theres no food available (other than pasta) and i have bills to pay off that i can't afford. i also can't afford food when i'm at school. my osap appointment is friday which means i'll probably receive it next week (when my bills are overdue). some of my friends have provided me with meals, and of course i'm going to return the favour, but i feel really bad about it. here's the good news though: Mike and i took back all the empty bottles from my house which generated 99 dollars (may i also mention that out of all the empty bottles maybe 5 bottles were mine because i stopped drinking shortly after our first party?). my roommates and i agreed that we're gonna send it off to Haiti's relief fund. it'll be charged on my credit card, which i don't have to pay for a month, and i'll have my osap by then, which means i now have 99 dollars in cash until my osap comes next week (which is way more than i need). im super stoked about this because it means i can eat! can i get a hell yah? (hell yah!)

so now i am able to sustain my living but i can't help but think of these lyrics by mewithoutYou: "But now I spend my days in ever-increasingly complicated ways, Convincing myself of the rightness of each word I say. "

i won't get into it but i've always feared going to post-secondary school. i knew that there was a lot of money and debt involved and i'm very confident that money is a dangerous and evil thing. although i absolutely love being in school right now and i absolutely love music i would rather drift and live from the trashcan than bother with any of this. school is expensive, stationary living is expensive, and acquiring recording gear and music gear for school is especially expensive and continues to put me on the path of the world's patterns which i also find a little dangerous and naive. (and by the world's patterns i'm saying going to school, getting a job, having a house in the suburbs with a wife and kids, etc. this isn't all that bad but i think theres better things i can do with my life... i won't get into this right now though).

currently, my life is revolving around school, music and money. indeed when i get my osap im probably going to indulge in some more music gear including a new computer (so i can actually record music unlike this piece of crap computer im using right now). debt debt debt. it all worries me a bit. ever-increasingly complicated. don't get me wrong, ive been a starving musician the last two weeks and im really excited i have a little bit of cash in my pocket to eat now, and im stoked when i get new gear, and most things i buy thats music-related furthers my understanding in what we learn in school. but i think i could live more simply. no matter how hard i try to justify righteousness or logic in where my money goes, i still think in the back of my head i don't need any of this.

mindrape!

oh, where do i begin? my thoughts are a mess today.

i just cried for the first time in a while. on a side note, it felt really, really good to cry and i wish i could have dwelled in the moment a little longer to enjoy the rare strange sensation of crying but instead i chose to move on.

i went to a little thing called Presence (presencelondon.com), which happens every sunday morning at downtown london's "the arts project" on dundas. a very humble community that i don't often attend as much as i'd like (i've been busy most sundays, and also played percussion at a church in north london for a while). the discussion was about theories of just war and pacifism and if violence is ever justifiable. obviously a lot was said but admittedly my mind was sort of elsewhere. at the end of it, communion was offered to those who wished to participate. as the bread and wine came around to me, i gently refused it, and let it pass me. i didn't really think much about it for about 15 seconds and then all of a sudden i just thought "shit.." and i broke down and cried for a good 10 minutes.

in very recent times (say, november?) i decided i wanted to reflect jesus' teachings in my life but i could not accept christianity as a religion or as an absolute truth. its a completely different story altogether and i still dont have it all figured out at the time (maybe no one does). anyway, ever since i came to this decision i have never been offered communion until today, and i just frickin' just broke down, real hard. it felt like that by rejecting communion i was rejecting god. that i could not be one with god or unified with the body of christ. well long story short , god's existence is my deepest held belief but i know i cannot prove or disprove his existence. to say god exists (christianity) or that god doesn't exist (atheism) i think is equally naive. but man, jesus' teachings are incredible. woe to you who are rich, blessed are the poor, blessed are the meek and poor in spirit. the first will be last, and the last will be first. this is why i still value the way of christ.

i'm getting sidetracked again. after presence i went to starbucks (i should research to see if they are ethical yet) with some friends (and now new friends) and i kind of presented my thoughts and also thoroughly apologized for being a downer. what is the tradition of communion? to some its literal, to some its a reminder. for me it is symbolic of having christ in your soul. i cried because i felt like i was saying "god if you exist i dont want you in my soul i dont accept you as my saviour and my past with you has been sort of meaningless." really what i'd like to say is "god if you exist, i want to follow your way, i ask for your forgiveness for being such a shitwreck." of course, if there is a god, he knows that already. a lot more was going on in my head but i just don't feel like typing about it anymore right now.

we discussed about intentional community which i believe is a beautiful idea and something i wish to pursue in the future. love is so powerful. we also watched a philosophical documentary at Museum London called Examined Life. tons of great stuff to add to my already burnt out mind. but really, it was great. a discussion on wealth, consumption, individualism, and i guess just exactly what the title is. examining life and thinking consciously. "if you're thinking, you're winning"

on another side note, i went to a party last night that i actually enjoyed. london parties suck so hard. theres so much ego. i miss being in packed houses every single weekend with bands playing with rage levels off the charts. i didn't realize that i've pretty much been bathed in gold for the last few years in 905 in terms of parties. anyway, last night was great. the atmosphere of people wanting to get to know each other and have fun is such a relief when compared to all the egoists and narrow-minded douchebags i find littered around college. okay, forget that, i'm probably more narrow-minded and regretfully full of pride than most people i know but i think its an accurate generalization of what i've experienced so far in the college scene.

this is a long blog post, i don't know anyone who would have the patience to read any of this.

currently i'm off to my classmates house to watch a dvd of Pelican (myspace.com/pelican), a band i highly recommend if you like heavy instrumentals.

Sunn O))) & Boris - The Sinking Belle (Blue Sheep)

ive been listening to this way too much

children running through

i used to be shy,

you made me sing.

i used to refuse things at the table,

now i shout for more wine.

in somber dignity, i used to sit

on my mat and pray,

now children run through

and make faces at me.

-Rumi

I've recently been revisiting a book of Rumi poems that i have. Rumi is frickin' great. solid sufi dude from the 13th century. anyways this is one of my favourite poems by him, which is funny because i have no idea what the frig he's talking about. it just kind of sticks out to me.

well i guess theres two versions of some character. their past self seems pretty humble and introverted and their present self seems more lively and playful. i'm not sure where i'd like to be. i'm definitely a shy guy, and often pretty cautious at the table if we're talking in a literal sense (except now i completely don't eat or drink just about anything.. but thats another story). humbleness is one of my favourite qualities of anyone. but the extrovert seems to have a more general feeling of freedom and joy. i value my time alone in humility but i think sometimes i need to sing and shout and see more children smiling and playing. i need to experience more compassion and love instead of just dreaming about it and writing about it. my heart cries out for purpose and i think i can find it in others. im an introvert naturally and respect others that are, but damn, i wish i could figure out how to talk to people. i don't have to be eccentric but i'd like to find a better balance of interaction and meaningful connections with people.

someone.. explain this poem to me!

and teach me to love

mysteries

currently i do not eat meat or animal byproducts
but i am not a vegan
i do not smoke
i do not consume alcohol or caffeine
i am not straightedge
i believe in god and strive to follow jesus' teachings
i am not christian
i do not know the future
i cannot make commitments or promises
but i have confidence and hope in a few things